A few paraprosdokians…
you know, figures of speech in which the latter part of the sentence is unexpected and causes the reader to reframe things.
1. I asked God for a bike, but I know he does not work that way. So I stole the bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandad. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. Going to school doesn’t make you a teacher any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it is still on the list.
6. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some appear bright until you hear them speak.
7. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
8. We never really grow up, we just learn how to act in public.
9. War does not determine who is right, just who is left.
10. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in the fruit salad.
11. The Evening News is where they begin with “Good Evening” then proceed to take a 1/2 hour to tell you why it isn’t.
12. How is it that just one match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a camp fire?
13. Some people are like Slinkies, totally worthless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
14. I did not say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you!
15. I saw a gal with a sweat shirt that said “Guess” so I said “Implants.”
16. A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory.
17. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas.
18. Always borrow money from a pessimist; he won’t expect it back.
19. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
20. I used to be indecisive; now I am not sure
21. You never get too old to learn something stupid.
22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
23. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
24. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember the Fire Department uses water.
25. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
26. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they cannot get away.
27. You do not need a parachute to skydive, just to skydive more than once.
28. And shooters: To be sure of hitting your target, shoot first then call whatever you hit your target.